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FSU

:'(

I don't usually get sad over friends and family, but I'm way freaked out right now. A weekend after I got back from Birmingham, my grandmother was diagnosed with leukemia. This is extra weird as we had discussed their funeral/burial wishes because my grandfather's not well either. However, my grandmother seemed fine yet she supposedly has around two months left. The chemo is slowing the rise of her white blood cell count, but hasn't begun to reverse it yet. All they can do is buy time. And while most people want items for memories, I was lying in bed this morning thinking of the scrap of paper I thought of taking off her counter that had the ingredients for her pimento cheese. She doesn't have a recipe and I have her other favorite recipes. I probably can't get it right, but it freaks me out to not have it. Also, I'm glad now that I took some cupcakes when I left my parents' house, but now eating them feels weird, knowing that I'll probably not get more. I'm debating another trip to Birmingham, but not sure if it'll happen. Especially since Granny's the type to not want us to be there if she's not ok. However, that may never be the case again.
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It's always horrible when a family member is sick. The last time I saw my grandmother - the only grandparent I ever knew, the rest died before I was born or when I was really young - I actually ~knew that it was the last time. She'd been so sick, and she was so frail despite her best efforts to appear otherwise. I cried so much and tried to tell her everything I wanted to. My parents probably thought I was being overdramatic. When the news came that she'd died, I was able to be the strong one when my parents broke down, because in a way I'd already said my goodbyes.

*hugs you tight*
Yeah, that's how I feel about my grandfather, but feel guilty about my grandmother.

Edited at 2010-12-23 10:28 am (UTC)
I'm so sorry to hear that, bb. It's nice that you'll have her recipes to help remember her. That's something that can keep being passed down. ::hugs::
Yeah, and thanks!
I'm sorry you're feeling scared and sad. It's difficult to deal with an impending death, no matter your age. Just know that everyone grieves in their own way, and it's okay not to be the strong one.
I know, I'm just not used to so much crying.
It's hard to avoid feelings of helplessness when a family member is ill and I can definitely understand wanting something tangible of hers right now. I hope you're able to find comfort in your family and friends over the holidays and in the New Year bb!

Sending a few more hugs your way.
Thanks, yeah talking to her helped.